By Esther Rachel Lai. - 9/26/2017

I haven't been writing as much of late. Mainly because I've been trying to focus on the recovery of my own mental health - and am still on it. Things haven't been dandy for me to say the least. In fact, a couple of months ago, certain situations, coupled with the verity of past events made it seem that life had certainly dealt me cards that were more than I could handle; if I could name an event in my 25 years of living that made me hit rock bottom, everything that happened and surfaced in July would be it.

I hit so low, so hard, that for the second time in a span of a year, I thought of shutting down all of my social media - blog included, just because I wanted to get away from the world and literally, vanish from the face of this earth. The lack of updates then on my Instagram and this blog was me taking a time out because I needed space and time to heal and recover from all the trauma I faced. I know the past couple of months, I've not been replying emails as often and even ceasing certain collaborations but that's because I was really overwhelmed with emotions and I felt like there was too many things going on in my life that I just needed a break from certain things so cutting down on my engagement with social media was the first thing that went. I've been seeking the help I need to get back on my feet although most days, it still feels like a train wreck inside of me. I used to think that a broken heart is the worst feeling one could feel but I realise now that it isn't and that the worst feeling in the entire world is trying to escape from the perils of your own mind. But how do you run from what's inside of you? It's impossible.

Life has taught me that people can be downright malicious. It has taught me that the world can really break you and that a happy, healthy mind is really important. I've learned that you can never expect anyone who has never walked a mile in your shoes to understand how you feel. And thinking that everyone is empathetic and kind is the most foolish thought one can ever have. But I've also learned (and struggle with everyday) that sometimes not speaking up but letting go is the best albeit toughest thing you can do for yourself.

I know that I still have a lot to be thankful for - having a job I love is one of them, the friends and family I have is another. Most days, my body just feels like a shell as I try to distract myself from the constant pain I feel deep inside. The reason I distract myself these days instead of letting the thoughts manifest in my head is because I've learned from the therapy sessions and from experience that entertaining these thoughts will only lead to very very dark thoughts that puts myself in danger and it's not a place I want to let myself fall into. I still have a lot going for me, and I need to focus on the majority of the things that are going right for me instead of that one tainted speck. Although this distraction from my own mind had me start out feeling like I was living in denial, I realise now that what Mel said was true, it is undeniably, a step towards recovery. My entertaining these thoughts only brings injustice to myself and the people around me because I discount on the fact I'm surrounded by friends and family who love and care for me each and every day, who go out of their way to make me smile and who continually put in effort to make it up to me in every way possible - I just need to look at the present to see it and that's what I'm going to try to do eveyday from now.

 Just a few days ago, I was still feeling really shitty about life but after a shoot a couple of days ago, I realise that there's still a lot of things that I love and am capable of doing and I shouldn't give up on myself or lose faith in life just because of the unfavorable obstacles life throws in my path. I'm still on the road to recovery but I'm a little more determined to focus on the now, the present and to make better of the future instead of wallowing on what has past.

I know it's impossible for me to just get up and get going within a day or even a week or month. I know it'll take a lot of time - 2 years at least before I can finally look back and things will just be nothing more than a fact, an event in my life that I can look back at and not feel anything. I know that before that day happens, I will still constantly battle my own mind, there will still be nights and days where I spend breaking down or trying to fight the tears. Days where I feel like I'm fighting thin air, days where I really feel like giving up, days where rage, revenge, and the feeling of injustice completely shrouds my ability to think rationally but I also know that with every day that passes, every day that I manage to pull through, I'm a step closer to being happy again.

And with that, I promise - not to anyone, but to myself, that I will not let whatever that has passed bring me down. I will get up no matter how long it may take, get myself out there and get better than I was before...because I know I can.

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  1. Jiayou Esther! Thank you for sharing this because I too, am on a recovery phase and I can really relate what it feels like to try to escape those thoughts that haunt. I believe we'll be able to get through this with our LORD amen (:

  2. Hi Esther! I've been on this on and off for a while now and I also understand that it's impossible for this to ever go away. But what's important is to just stay strong and never let these thoughts define you! Jiayou!! 😘