By Esther Rachel Lai. - 5/26/2017

Been really busy lately but I'm trying my best to keep this space alive. Not sure why but recently, anxiety's been eating at me and on days like today, it seems to be getting worse. Maybe it's just a phase and it's just the stress of the new job but on certain days, it creeps up on me even when there's no reason for me to be anxious about anything at all.

If this is a phase I've to go through, I honestly wish there was a fast forward button because that feeling of anxiety is incredibly dreadful. There are nights I wake up with a horrible sinking feeling in my chest yet fail to comprehend the reason behind the way I feel. Then there are days where I want to lie in bed, curl up and not move and on other days when I'm out and about, all I feel like doing is locking myself up in a toilet cubicle to cry and all these for what reason? I have no idea.

I really should see a doctor soon. This anxiety is crippling and it's turning me into someone I don't even recognise, slowly but surely eating away at me. The only place I feel "safe" and relatively okay is when I'm home with Shane and the kids. Other than that, I walk through every day of the week trying to brush off the dreadful feeling I feel inside of me but to no avail.

"Relax", Shane tells me, "there's nothing to stress about, you're gonna be okay", I know he's trying to help, I know I should relax and there really nothing for me to worry about but why does my mind and body protest against this logic that I know? In the past couple of months, I can't remember going through a week feeling okay. I cannot wrap my head around this menace I feel inside me. I never talked about it to anyone except Shane up until the recent weeks but talking about it don't seem to help either. I tried popping pills twice, but it's only seemed to calm me down on the first and I'm trying not to be too reliant on it but at the rate I'm going, it seems like I really need to see a doctor and get some proper prescription.

I need to chill out.

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