I haven't been writing as much of late. Mainly because I've been trying to focus on the recovery of my own mental health - and am still on it. Things haven't been dandy for me to say the least. In fact, a couple of months ago, certain situations, coupled with the verity of past events made it seem that life had certainly dealt me cards that were more than I could handle; if I could name an event in my 25 years of living that made me hit rock bottom, everything that happened and surfaced in July would be it.

I hit so low, so hard, that for the second time in a span of a year, I thought of shutting down all of my social media - blog included, just because I wanted to get away from the world and literally, vanish from the face of this earth. The lack of updates then on my Instagram and this blog was me taking a time out because I needed space and time to heal and recover from all the trauma I faced. I know the past couple of months, I've not been replying emails as often and even ceasing certain collaborations but that's because I was really overwhelmed with emotions and I felt like there was too many things going on in my life that I just needed a break from certain things so cutting down on my engagement with social media was the first thing that went. I've been seeking the help I need to get back on my feet although most days, it still feels like a train wreck inside of me. I used to think that a broken heart is the worst feeling one could feel but I realise now that it isn't and that the worst feeling in the entire world is trying to escape from the perils of your own mind. But how do you run from what's inside of you? It's impossible.

Life has taught me that people can be downright malicious. It has taught me that the world can really break you and that a happy, healthy mind is really important. I've learned that you can never expect anyone who has never walked a mile in your shoes to understand how you feel. And thinking that everyone is empathetic and kind is the most foolish thought one can ever have. But I've also learned (and struggle with everyday) that sometimes not speaking up but letting go is the best albeit toughest thing you can do for yourself.

I know that I still have a lot to be thankful for - having a job I love is one of them, the friends and family I have is another. Most days, my body just feels like a shell as I try to distract myself from the constant pain I feel deep inside. The reason I distract myself these days instead of letting the thoughts manifest in my head is because I've learned from the therapy sessions and from experience that entertaining these thoughts will only lead to very very dark thoughts that puts myself in danger and it's not a place I want to let myself fall into. I still have a lot going for me, and I need to focus on the majority of the things that are going right for me instead of that one tainted speck. Although this distraction from my own mind had me start out feeling like I was living in denial, I realise now that what Mel said was true, it is undeniably, a step towards recovery. My entertaining these thoughts only brings injustice to myself and the people around me because I discount on the fact I'm surrounded by friends and family who love and care for me each and every day, who go out of their way to make me smile and who continually put in effort to make it up to me in every way possible - I just need to look at the present to see it and that's what I'm going to try to do eveyday from now.

 Just a few days ago, I was still feeling really shitty about life but after a shoot a couple of days ago, I realise that there's still a lot of things that I love and am capable of doing and I shouldn't give up on myself or lose faith in life just because of the unfavorable obstacles life throws in my path. I'm still on the road to recovery but I'm a little more determined to focus on the now, the present and to make better of the future instead of wallowing on what has past.

I know it's impossible for me to just get up and get going within a day or even a week or month. I know it'll take a lot of time - 2 years at least before I can finally look back and things will just be nothing more than a fact, an event in my life that I can look back at and not feel anything. I know that before that day happens, I will still constantly battle my own mind, there will still be nights and days where I spend breaking down or trying to fight the tears. Days where I feel like I'm fighting thin air, days where I really feel like giving up, days where rage, revenge, and the feeling of injustice completely shrouds my ability to think rationally but I also know that with every day that passes, every day that I manage to pull through, I'm a step closer to being happy again.

And with that, I promise - not to anyone, but to myself, that I will not let whatever that has passed bring me down. I will get up no matter how long it may take, get myself out there and get better than I was before...because I know I can.

The other day as we were spending some quality time at home as a family, I asked Kylie,

Me: "Kylie, do you think daddy is a good daddy?"
Kylie: "Yes!"
Me: "What about mommy? Do you think I'm a good mommy?"
Kylie: "Super duper uber awesome mommy!"
Me: "Aww...thanks baby, I love youu! Well, do you think daddy is a good husband???"
Kylie: "Don't ask me, he's YOUR husband!"

KYLIE WHY YOU LIKE THAT?! HAHAHA, STOP GROWING UP SO FAST AND TALKING LIKE THAT?!

In the blink of an eye, Megan is now 18 months old and transitioning quickly from an infant to a toddler (although she'll always be a baby in my eyes). The past 1 and a half years, Megan has developed so rapidly that sometimes, her understanding of what's happening around her takes me by surprise.

My elder child, Kylie, who's 6 this year, also developed and progressed really quickly – well ahead of her peers. I initially thought it was by some stroke of luck that we were blessed with such a bright kid. But then came Megan, and her developmental progress has been equally amazing! This made me stop to think that there must be something that I'm doing right!


Now, if you know me, you'll know I'm not the tiger mom sort who's aggressive on pressing my child to hit her milestones, nor do I stress my child in academics at this young age. I literally don't do anything out of the ordinary, yet both my kids have hit their key milestones at a surprisingly early age. Megan, for example, started walking at 10 months (just like her sister). She also uttered her first word before the age of 1 and her development just keeps getting significantly astonishing - even her infant care teachers are amazed by her growth and progress!

A couple of months ago, I thought I'd just teach her to count to ten for the fun of it but to my surprise, when I said "one, two…" Megan continued on with "three!" and then, "four!" I thought I was mistaken but I kept counting on "five, six…" and when we reached "seven", she responded "eight!" It was so clear that even I was shocked! At the end of "ten" she even clapped her hands and celebrated with a "yay!!!"

I could go on about how much she's grown and how her development never ceases to amaze me, but my point here is that the first five years are more crucial to a child's brain development than we realise. In fact, it's important to set the right foundation for them and not underestimate their potential.




Did you know that 90% of the brain develops from the first five years?

Child development is developed in 4 key areas - cognitive, motor, communication and social, with different parts of the body that are responsible for different abilities developing at different rates. A balanced diet is crucial for well-rounded development and your child needs vital fatty acids like DHA, which is an important block for brain and eye development.

Considering that I don't do anything out of the ordinary to stimulate my child's development, I believe it might have something to do with their diet that acts as a catalyst for their development. Just like a tree needs nutrients to grow, a child’s brain needs the right nutrition and stimulation to reach its full potential. Nutrition lays the groundwork for overall development.

I also threw in other ingredients like onions, sausages, mushrooms and minced beef to add more flavour to my Bolognese pasta!

Just check out their eager faces in this shot when I served them their dinner!

Been really busy lately but I'm trying my best to keep this space alive. Not sure why but recently, anxiety's been eating at me and on days like today, it seems to be getting worse. Maybe it's just a phase and it's just the stress of the new job but on certain days, it creeps up on me even when there's no reason for me to be anxious about anything at all.