By Esther Rachel Lai. - 12/05/2016

Doing a quick update on my mobile right now. It's been quite a while since I penned my thoughts here at random. These days I put a lot more thought into my blogposts (listicles, travelogue, wedding scoops etc.)  which is good I guess cause it's more informative and useful to my readers except that it's lot less...intimate in a sense? I still have a lot of content to fill this space with and I'll share them in time to come but all that will have to wait a while beacause I've been pretty busy with the wedding preparations (#shaneandestherweds) lately, especially since this is the final week before the actual day.

The whole process of wedding planning hasn't all been smooth sailing & we even had to halt everything at one point because of some staggering distress in our relationship but I'm glad that we managed to ultimately move forward and learn from whatever happened. Although truthfully, I'm still on the road to recovery. I'm just glad that we're a lot stronger and in a much better place than we were before.

Back in January, I remember being all fired up and excited about the wedding we were planning but then came July where everything came crashing. That month was a horrible month I never wish to remember. And the few months after were no better as they took my excitement and happiness with them. It wasn't until October did things start to get better for me emotionally but it felt like the excitement in me died, only surfacing whenever something significant happen - like designing our invitations. And a lot of the time, I found myself questioning the whole façade and the genuinity of it all. It even hurt when people ask "How's the wedding preparations going? Excited?" Cause I didn't feel excited at all when I know I should, when I know that if you asked me back at the start of the year, I'd immediately bubble with excitement in reply but the past few months, there was none, like a light in me had been snuffed out.

With time and healing though, I realise now that the wedding holds so much more significance than before. Although I still don't feel the same child-like enthusiasm about it like I did at the start, it's a different kind of excitement I feel now. Excitement in a stronger, more sentimental sense. 

In 5 days, I'll get to marry the man I love so dearly all over again. To me, it's no longer because I want to wear a gown or because it's customary tradition or "the day i've been waiting for". To me, or to the both of us, the day brings a whole new and bigger meaning - a brand new start. A day where we recommit ourselves to each other, vowing to uphold our vows, affirming our love and agreeing/understanding the sacrosanctity of marriage. 

I really can't wait to finally get married in the eyes of God to the love of my life. I know for a fact that it'll be such a significant day to me, more than it would have meant had things not happen mid this year. They say that things happen for a reason and although I wish it didn't and I still cannot understand the gist of it all, a tiny part of me is glad that whatever happened, happened because it's made us so much stronger and we've learned so much about our relationship from it. If anything, it's helped us cherish each other a whole lot more than I'd have ever imagined.

I never realised that the love I have for Shane was deeper than even I myself could understand and right now, all that is within me looks forward to our big day with such anticipation. #ShaneandEstherweds


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