Choosing To Love When You're Broken.

By Esther Rachel Lai. - 8/19/2016

(Photo credits: @multifolds)

So as some of you may know, I haven't been in the best of mood the previous few weeks because Shane & I faced some issues in our relationship. I'm not ready to talk about what happened yet & I don't know if I ever will, but I thought I'd just share on still choosing to love after having your heart broken and to move on in the relationship. I know that there are people out there who have experienced or are experiencing similar situations where mistakes have been made but it's tough to just act like nothing happened and move on in the relationship so I really hope this post will help you find the strength you need just as I had been searching for just a couple of weeks back. You're not alone, trust me. I was so devastated, messed up and confused I even resorted to Googling how to get over a broken heart (okay, hahaha, let's all laugh at how ridiculous it actually is ) but I know what it's like to be in that place and just dying to get the hurt out and get over it. Granted, I'm still fearful and insecure but well, at least the worst of all the emotions (anger, disappointment, resentment, hurt) have almost faded into well...subtle fear. But to me, it's a really huge step from where I was a month before. So here's what I learnt about moving forward and loving despite the brokeness.

1. Assess The Situation

How severe is the mistake? Can it be forgiven? & if so, is your other half remorseful? I think it's easy to tell if a person is truly remorseful. We all make mistakes, most of which, can usually be forgiven if we allow ourselves to so consider forgiving your partner if the mistake made isn't a grave one but set an ultimatum, like, if he/she does it again then that's the end of it.

2. Have A Neutral Party Mediate

When you're emotionally charged, you tend to say/do things rashly so have a neutral party mediate the argument if you really need to. Get someone that both you and your partner can depend on for sound and unbiased advice. Someone who knows the both of you well as a couple & can be your rational voice of reason above the emotions to talk sense into and help both of you to work towards finding a solution as a couple not someone who you know will side you in everything you say/do - having someone side with you unconditionally will be what you want but it wouldn't help the relationship. Neutral & unbiased, remember that.

3. Talk To Someone

That being said, you will still need a shoulder to cry on. Getting over the hurt isn't an overnight thing so talk to someone who you can trust, someone who wouldn't judge your partner for his mistake or someone who has been through the same plight. Most times, you don't need a solution, you just need someone to rant to to feel better and almost always, you will feel better after talking about it to someone.

4. Ask Yourself What You Really Want

So you know that your partner is deeply remorseful and wants you to forgive him/her but do you still want to carry on with the relationship or is the hurt too deep for you to stay in it? Ask yourself what you really want - not just temporary but in the long run. People can tell you what you should or should not do but ultimately, the decision lies with you and only you know what you truly want. & if like me, you choose to forgive and the both of you want to move forward in the relationship then read on.

5. Let Your Partner Know You're Still Hurting

You're going to still feel hurt, sensitive, insecure and vulnerable. Let your partner know, not to guilt-trip him/her but for him to understand that your wounds are still raw and he needs to be tactful in the things he says or does to help you get through with the emotions you feel inside. It is impossible to act like nothing ever happened and it takes a lot of effort to mend the relationship but it can be done as long as the both of you work together towards a better relationship. Tell your partner that yes, you know he or she is apologetic and you forgive him but it's hard for you to get over the hurt and that telling them how you feel doesn't mean you're blaming him/her all over again but what you really want is just comfort and assurance from them and most of all, patience from them. You might say "well he/she better be ready to put up with my shit after what they've done" but honestly, having to repeatedly hear about the mistake they've done and feel the regret and guilt over and over again can be exasperating so let your partner know that you require his or her patience and understanding during this time of healing. BUT that doesn't mean you can do what you like just because they deserve it (read next point).

6. Look Past Your Right To Get Angry/Upset

Just because you've been hurt, doesn't give you the upperhand in the relationship. It's tough but you need to learn to let go of the resentment and anger towards your partner. Like I said, it takes two to tango so if your partner is desperately trying to make it up to you yet you cannot find it in you to let go of the anger, there will be nothing he can do that will make you feel better. Constantly bashing your partner for his/her mistake despite their sincere apologies and efforts to make ammends will only end up cornering them and eventually getting tired and angry or giving up because he/she will feel like it's pointless to carry on because the damage has been done and it's never going to be the same again no matter how they try. If you really still want the relationship to work, you really need to put a feet down and let go of the resentment instead of pushing them further away. This is not to say you don't talk about it, but as I mentioned in point no.5, let your partner know and have him help you deal with the hurt NOT take it out on him/her.

7. Allow Him/Her To Make It Up To You

It's very easy to make sacarstic remarks every now and then and feel like he/she doesn't deserve your love. But bear in mind that while you have every right to be angry at your partner, doing so will only do more harm than good to the already damaged relationship. If you want to move forward then allow him/her to make it up to you instead of constantly feeling like he owes it all to you. Thank him for his efforts, let him know you appreciate him trying to make ammends and that his efforts are not futile. Work together not against each other. Ultimately, you're not doing it for anyone but yourself and your relationship.

8. Give It Time

Don't expect yourself to get over it immediately. It's going to take a while, weeks, maybe even months but don't give yourself a timeline. Take it a step at a time. You're going to hear people tell you things like "but it's been 2 weeks already leh" and at times, you're gonna ask yourself why you haven't get over it but know that these things take a lot of time and you will eventually be able to get over it if you put your heart to it. It's not easy but it is doable and yes, time heals all wounds.

9. Don't Be Afraid To Have A Good Cry

To ask you to keep all the emotions in is crazy. You need an avenue to channel all the emotions to and let it all out and crying is one good way to do it. I personally broke down after 3 long and painful weeks and Shane was there to comfort me and tell me to stop crying but I told him I needed to cry cause it made me feel better and I needed a hug. It might sound stupid but sometimes all you need is just a good cry. Don't be afraid to find comfort in your partner and let him/her know that despite the hurt, you still love and want them and eventhough it's painful to love, at the end of the day, they're still all you want.

10. Look Towards The Future

It's scary to place your trust and love again in someone who's broken your heart but understand that if you and your partner can learn from it, your realtionship will be strengthened. Realise where are the areas you can work on to improve your relatioship and tackle the underlying issues that led to the bigger mistake. Most times, there are other issues in the relationship such as neglect, lack of affection etc. that needs to be addressed in the first place and the mistake is just a part of it. Look forward towards a forging a better relationship in future instead of contantly living in the past. Take it as a point to start anew and to learn more about your partner and your relationship. It's not the end. Only a new beginning.

P.S. Please don't ask what happened between Shane & I. I didn't share just so people would probe and speculate. I only did so knowing that maybe it'll help someone who needs this too. What matters most now is that our relationship is in a much better place than it was before and I can only say that although what happened was a painful experience, still, I'm glad it happened considering how it's strengthened our marriage and helped us to realise our faults and understand each other better. I guess sometmes bad things have to happen in order for better things to happen. In the end, love conquers all and cover a multitude of sins. So choose love,choose  kindness.

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  1. Thank you Esther Rachel for sharing this post here to let me know that I am not alone going through all these. :( Recently, I went through similar experience as you and I'm still unable to forget the hurts my husband had given me but I do trust that everything happens for a reason and eventually, I will get better and my relationship will get stronger with my husband.

    I'm glad that your relationship with Shane get stronger. All the best!

    1. thank you hun. yeah, well you can't have a rainbow without the rain. Stay strong babe! *hugs*

  2. Hi Esther, this is the first time I am leaving a comment on any blogs. I have chanced upon your blog and while browsing through your entries, (I really enjoy reading your sharing!) this entry really hit me and I just felt that I should let you know.

    My boyfriend and I came from very different past relationships and thus, we both learned very different lessons. In the beginning, I was wrong in neglecting how I have made him feel. Although it was nothing too drastic, but it was enough to cause an emotional turmoil in our relationship.

    Your entry really spoke to me in both perspectives, and the advices you gave are really what we are currently working on. I did feel that he had an upper hand and that made me feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells, being fearful for everything I do, even when there was never any intention to bring hurt. I love him very much, and though we are both still very new into our relationship, your entry has managed to make me feel that I am not alone in this.. and that there is still hope - as long as we choose love at the end of the day, as one together.

    You are very courageous, and I can't thank you enough for this sharing as I have been feeling lost for awhile. Thank you, you have no idea how much this entry meant to me. :)

    Though I do not know you personally.. Still, thank you, and God bless your little family of 4. x