Pulling the plug.

By Esther Rachel Lai. - 2/03/2015

I thought I'd be able to go through it if I went ahead with the registration.

But the days leading up to the start of my first bridging module (this Saturday) proved that thought wrong. I had an emotional meltdown last night. I've been feeling anxious for the past two weeks and everytime someone talked to me about my enrolment, I didn't want to talk about it because I'd just end up stressing myself to tears again. I wasn't excited to start my degree course & at one point, I found myself actually hoping my enrolment would be unsuccessful.

But I didn't dare admit that I wasn't ready.

Until last night when I suddenly spilled the beans to Shane telling him how I feel & how deep inside I actually know this isn't what I want but somehow feel pressured to take a degree. But nobody's pressuring me. My parents never pressured me into taking a degree, i made that decision myself. I guess I'm pressured by everyone else around me. It seems that everyone has a degree or is taking a degree right now. & I've been constantly questioning myself whether a degree is really necessary.
Last night, I realised, I wanted to take a degree for the mere sake of having a degree. A degree does not guarantee a better future for me, it doesn't guarantee a promotion in my current job or a pay raise at all. I also plucked up the courage to tell my parents that I want out of this degree before it's too late (that is, before we really put in $20k into my studies) & what my dad said is right, nobody's forcing me to take this degree so why am i stressing out for no reason? If I really think I can't cope then I just shouldn't go through with it and end up wasting even more money. Dad also asked if I'm THAT hungry to scale the corporate ladder, & if i'm not then why the rush?

& I guess deep inside me I already know, I don't even want to scale the corporate ladder to some super high ranks. If i do, then good for me, but I'm fine living a comfortable but not luxurious life. The question is, what do I want to do with that degree? Honestly, I don't even know. & a degree in business management is so generic, it probably won't do me much good either. Maybe next time when I'm more sure about what I want in my career.

Honestly, all I really want is to be there for my children, my family. "Do what makes you happy" they always say. And nothing makes me happier than my family. Just because I want to one day be a homemaker, does that make me unambitious? Since when did wanting to take care of the home, the family become such a taboo in this day and age? What if I don't seek a life of riches? Does that make me lazy and shallow? Everyone's chasing after riches and success. But does being rich necessarily constitute to success? "This is Singapore" they say, you can't survive without a degree. We've heard this old thinking ever since we were kids, but is that really the case? 

Maybe in future I'll find enough faith in myself and reason to take a degree. But right now, I'm pulling the plug. 

This rat race isn't for me. 

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