I've never known myself to be a pessimist but these days I find myself a metal wreck. I know it's ridiculous to be stressing over my degree (which i registered for yesterday) even before I've started classes but somehow I can't stop myself from panicking and having anxiety attacks or stop the negative thoughts telling me "I can't do it" that's bringing me close to tears :(
7 bridging modules! I've to take 7 bridging modules!
No thanks to my arts diploma that has been rendered useless in this industry. It's not so much of the number of modules I've to take but rather, bridging modules take up both Saturdays and Sundays & it's a full day of class (9-6/9-5) on those days!
Okay, quite frankly I know myself what the reason to this anxiety and depression is. & I know how ridiculous it's going to sound but I guess it's the thought of having A LOT LESS time for Kylie. With my weekends burnt and a few weekdays per week dedicated to night classes and also assignments / mugging, I'm gonna have very very little time left to spend with her during the course of my degree.
& i know it's ridiculous because it's only gonna be one and a half years maybe slightly more & i know it's all for the sake of a better future for not just me but fo our entire little family but the thought of it still kills me inside.
Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I thought it'll be once I've really started my bridging course next weekend but for now, the thought's almost unbearbly daunting. I frequently think to myself that I probably need Kylie a lot more than she needs me. Heh. Gotta learn to get my thoughts straightened and not let negativity eat me up.
It's gonna be okay, I can do this. Right?
I've decided that I'm going to take up a part-time degree.
Yay right? But I feel extremely anxious and apprehensive about my decision. Half of me says this is now or never, the other half of me's the worrywart that's always overthinking myself to death with a million "what ifs?". What if I can't cope? What course should I take? What if that course doesn't bring me where I want to be? But where do I want to be? But if I take a specialised degree with direct relations to the banking industry (i.e. Degree in banking and/or finance) I know I'm gonna hate it. And it'll be worse if I can't pass. But what if I take something a more general degree like a bachelor of commerce in management but then end up having difficulties landing a job position I want in future because it's not specialised? Or am i overthinking it way too much?
I'm not too concerned about not being able to pass a degree course (if so many people out there can, why can't i? Right?) I'm more concerned about drowning myself in stress and caving in before i can even reach that certificate. I know in my head that working and studying and having to care for Kylie is going to be a crazy ride. It's gonna be tedious and half the time I'll probably be a walking zombie and quite frankly, the thought of managing all of that at once is absolutely terrifying to me.
I do have the full support of my family & in-laws who are more than willing to help me out with Kylie while I attend night classes and also when I've to bury my head in books at home. But I'm really scared, maybe it's the lack of mental preparation since I need to enroll by this month in order for me to take my bridging course and make it for May's intake.
"No hurry" I hear you say, but if I don't do it now, I probably never will. If i enroll now, I'd attain my degree (hopefully) in mid 2017 thereabout. & that's about the time we're expecting to receive the keys to our new home so if i drag my feet any longer, I probably won't be able to take a degree because I'd have to bear the financial weight of owning a house. & there just won't be enough for me to fork out for a degree. Also, it pains me quite a bit to know that I'll be seeing Kylie a lot less since the nights when I have classes, she'll have to spend the night in the care of my in-laws. That's 2-3 times a week :( Then again, I know that this is only temporary and I'm also doing it so I can give her a comfortable life.
Maybe it's just the chronic overthinker in me. But a very determined little voice in me says "if you don't put yourself through it, you'll never know how strong you truly are". So I'm going to take that leap of faith and dive right into taking my degree. I can't wait for the day I look back at this entry and tell myself how ridiculous I was worrying about nothing.
The Lord is and will be my strength. Amen.
Okay so this post has been sitting idle in my drafts since November (i think), high time I get off the seat of procrastination & publish it up!
We were invited to Kylie's second open house at her ballet school, Le Grand School Of Dance ( I blogged about her first ballet open house & you can read about it: here) this time round, I remembered to bring my camera along so you can expect much better quality photos in this entry (yay!).
I must say, I was super impressed with not just Kylie's but all the girls' significant improvement since the first open house which was only about 4 months apart from this 2nd open house! I don't know, I wasn't expecting much but to see their rhythm, control, discipline improve so significantly, I was watching wide-eyed the whole time & very much proud of my babygirl! At least I know she's definitely learning & most importantly, enjoying every bit of it!
Check out those pointed toes!
I'm not even half as flexible as the kids there! haha!
That's the "frog" pose which she always shows me at home!
& my favourite, "Mermaid" pose, another that she always demonstrates to friends and relatives when asked what she learnt in Ballet!
Cheeky rascal flashed me that hand sign when she caught me snapping photos of her.
In her "princess feet" stance which is technically, feet together. But doesn't princess feet sound so much more endearing?
Don't you just love how cute these little girls look, all poised like that!
I really like their teaching methods. They use fun ways to teach the kid fundamental stuff like pointing their toes. As seen above, the girls were asked to point their toes out and "snap a photo" of it!
Running gracefully on their tippy toes to the melody of the music.
& then they were asked to make a V shape with their feet! I actually missed the shot when they did it but Kylie secretly did it again so I could zoom in and snap. teehee!
Time for props! They were given hankies and asked to remember where their own handkerchief's placed, then they had to retrieve it when cued. Kinda like a stepping stone for them to recognise their individual roles during a performance.
& after that, they had to fold their own hankies and hand them back! Here's a very meticulous Kylie who was the last to fold her hanky cause she kept trying to refold it to perfection.
So...I said I wanted to enrol her in Ballet so she could learn to be more graceful. heh.
No peeking Kylie!!
& TADAHHH!!!
That's about it! Sorry I don't have much description for the photos cause I'm typing this based on memory from 2 months ago but I hope you guys can still see what her Ballet school's all about! I'm really happy with her learning and development on the dance so far & I definitely can't wait for the day I get to attend her first ballet recital! Can imagine the feeling of a proud mom watching her baby girl perform on stage.
HAHAHA.
No, but really, I think I'd be moved to tears. heh.