By Esther Rachel Lai. - 3/08/2013

Can't believe it's been 3 months since I last updated this space. Apparently, it isn't easy trying to make it as a young mother celebrity blogger with the little time I have (haha.) Anyway, the urge to blog came again so here I am. I've decided, I'll update this space whenever I have something to rant about & if something good comes out of it then well done. If not, then it'll be good just to have an avenue to channel all my thoughts to once in a while.

Apart from being a sickly merlion this week (I threw up 6 times on Tuesday, in case you weren't following my tweets on twitter), I've been pondering real hard about my future. & my family's future on a whole. Been mulling over what step to take next for months now & things are still undecided. Mainly because whatever I want or can do depends on when Shane will get a stable job to support the family. I definitely want to take a degree in the near future but someone has to be bringing in the income to provide for the family & right now, that someone's me. Shane still has about 3 months to complete his diploma course & thereafter, serve the nation. We had a good talk about the future over dinner just a couple of months ago, & after weighing out the pros & cons, we realized it's actually not a bad idea if Shane signs on with the Singapore Armed Forces. He can serve out his NS while getting a stable pay, even get the extra $20000 bounty which will ease our worries about paying for the HDB downpayment, Kylie & I will have medical coverage and we'll be able to reach financial stability a lot quicker. I'll be able to take my degree while he earns for the family, & when I graduate, I can draw a higher pay with my U-grad cert. Seems like a well-painted picture doesn't it?

Unfortunately for us, we're experiencing numerous hiccups right now. To start, Shane's private diploma in aeroplane engineering & maintenance isn't recognised by the Airforce & he needs a relevant Nitec cert if he wants to sign on with the Airforce, which he obviously doesn't have. As for Navy, he can sign on with the Navy but they'll take his Nitec cert instead of his Diploma which basically means he's wasted this 1 year studying for nothing. Signing on with the Navy still wouldn't be a bad choice if he's entitled the $20000, but no. The $20000, as he was told, is some study award & to be able to get that sum, he'd have to sign on within 6 months upon graduation but with regards to his Nitec certificate, he graduated from ITE 2 years ago. So not only does he not get the $20000, he'll also be drawing a lower than he deserve salary despite having a diploma. There's still hope though, if he gets posted to Tekong for his BMT, he might have a shot at signing on with his Nitec AND getting the $20000 that we REALLY need. Praying really hard that things will work out. Else we'll come back to square one & I'll have to stay in this banking job which quite frankly, I don't particularly enjoy even though there's nothing to hate. It just isn't me.

Truth be told, all the jobs that I'd like to do, it's not like there aren't any opportunities or vacancies etc. But most, if not all of them have working hours & such that I can't commit to. I don't know if this is a trait to be admired or stupidity, but I really am not willing to sacrifice time with my daughter for work. I'd love to do a job that I enjoy but I love Kylie a lot more. & while money is important, it just isn't on the top of my priority list.

Looking back, who would've thought I'd have so much to mull about at the age of 20 going on 21? Even picking a degree to study is tough, I want to make sure I pick something I really want to do as a career. Apart from choosing my course of choice, there's the financial aspect to consider. A degree costs a whopping amount & my parents aren't rich. I think if I want a degree, I'll have to depend on my own means to provide for my studies. I may have "cornered" myself with my heated moment of passion & decision to give birth to Kylie, but I don't regret having her one bit. & I believe that God wil make a way, if things don't go the way we plan it to be, I'm sure the Almighty has bigger plans for me & my family. I don't care what people might say about me bringing my current situation upon myself, but I stand tall & refuse to let ANYONE tell me that Kylie is a burden or a mistake. Kylie is the best decision I've ever made & she's made me a better person. A more responsible & sensible person. If not for her, I'd probably be a care less 20 year old going about my life selfishly. If there's one thing Kylie has taught me the most, it's definitely selflessness. She's the biggest turning point in my life, God's greatest gift to me.

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