By Esther Rachel Lai. - 12/13/2010

i want so much to call you, text you, tell you how much i miss you, but i'm afraid you'd just find me annoying again. y'know...what with wanting your own space. it's so difficult for me to get through everything on my own. i wish the tables were turned. i wish you're the one facing all the stress and hurt just so you'd know how it feels like to be me. the worse part of everything is knowing i'm gonna get hurt holding on, but i can't bring myself to let go. i mean yesterday i tried. which just ended up real bad, i almost didn't live to see today. i wish everything was like it was before. nothing makes sense. how can someone who says he loves you so deeply, suddenly tell you he doesn't love you that much overnight, and that you don't mean all that to him anymore? and the only logical explanations i can find are that one, you never really did to start with or two, there's someone else involved. & last night, about the phone, i knew you were lying, i'm using the same phone as you, so i know. i just chose not to ask any further cause if you'd wanted to tell me the truth, you would have. it's probably the 4th or 5th time i'm saying this, but i just want you to be honest with me and tell me what you need to tell me. cause i keep wondering what's going on and it sucks having to wake up and go to sleep feeling miserable. sometimes, i almost wish i really did do what i almost did yesterday then everything will just stop. no more pain, no more stress, no more heartache. i just really want things to be okay again. but it's so hard when i'm the only one who wants this.

i know you don't want to talk about it. but it's hard for me to even not think about it cause you're the one doing it to me. i'm sorry.

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