so i spent most of my christmas with the Josephs. worked from the early morn of christmas eve till mid-day cause t'was double pay. then headed over to have christmas dinner with shane, his mom, dad and bro. and then met the girls at orchard, together with some of their guy friends. had fun spraying foam into the faces of annoying guys who couldn't stop spraying. stayed over at shane's then woke up on christmas morn to help his mom with the lunch preparations for his chinese relatives. then the day after christmas, went over to his Godma's place for more love, joy, peace. I had so much good food to eat, i think that's why i'm eating so little now. still full up from all the feasting ha. Gonna have steamboat at edward's with the classmates tomorrow some more! damn fat.
boyfriend was dressed in the new shirt i bought him for christmas (: haha, even the white shirt he wore underneath, i bought it for him too. & the long sleeved shirt his bro borrowed to wear. seeeee now you got nice clothes thanks to me! :D
with the joseph boys.
having a splitting headache. i get dizzy these days for no apparent reason :( oh and i quit my job. seems like in less than 2 weeks, 3 staff called it quits. they're wayyyy short-handed. but who's to blame but themselves? ha. _|_ right back at ya!
i hate myself for the way i am, for the way i feel, i hate letting myself fall so deep.
:(
why do i always feel so upset :(
all this emo shit is annoying me. don't even have to start on you or the people reading and shit.
SIGH.
I WISH I CAN JUST LET THINGS GO AND BE BETTER ABOUT EVERYTHING instead of having to feel like shit every other day and ruin things again.
times like this, it's never you i'm upset with at the end of the day. i'll always be so upset with myself for ruining things again.
so if i haven't yet, i've gotta let you know...
you're never gonna be alone from this moment on. if you ever feel like letting go, i won't let you fall. when all hope is gone, i know that you can carry on. we're gonna see the world out, i'll hold you till' the hurt is gone.
picnic on the 22nd with the favourite girls. Yanchin was really ill that day so she couldn't join us. we all miss her! but i'll get to see her at work on tuesday (: it's been 4 years since i became close to this bunch of girls. 4 years, and so much has changed. looks, attitude, circumstances. though we hardly get to meet these days cause we're all in different schools, we've all got our lives to lead, i'm glad that everytime we make the effort to meet, we're still as close as ever. they say, good friends aren't the ones who you meet everyday, good friends are those who even after not meeting for a long time, you're still close. how true. i don't think you girls read this space but just in case you do, i wanna let y'all know i'm really blessed to have you girls in my life. Every night i thank God for my family, for shane, for his family, for the friends and people in my life. Every night, i go to sleep thinking about how truly blessed i am to have such lovely people in my life. I'm not rich, my family gets by each day a step at a time, we live an average life, we've got out problems, i've got my problems. but i'm blessed. not with the riches of the world. but with the priceless love, care and joy brought by the people around me. i am truly grateful, thankful for all these people.
winter, spring, summer or fall, all you have to do is call and i'll be there, yes i will. you've got a friend.
that was two saturdays ago, the 11th, when things were really bad for me, but still, being with my niece brought a huge smile to my face. i adore kids. absolutely love children.
anyway, things are well, the underlying problem's still there, waiting to be solved. it's tough to make decisions like this. really tough. but at least now that things between shane and i are more or less back to normal, i don't feel like i'm left alone to deal with everything myself. but honestly, it was the hardest period of my entire 18 years of living, i'm not exaggerating. i remember how lost, broken, angry and confused i was, it was really really hard. i have never felt so much hurt and confusion in throughout my 18 years before. i'm glad i'm still here, breathing. but i'm really thankful for all the friends who gave me their shoulders to cry on, their listening ear, their support. i thank God each day for the family, friends, even acquaintances around me. even people that i've never expected to care. anonymous people on formspring and all, really, it was such a difficult time of my life but it was really nice to know that there's so many people who genuinely care, asking me to be strong and all...it's really heart-warming, it kinda kept me going too.
thank you all who cared, really, thank you (:
christmas is a few days away...i've yet to shop for christmas presents, i walked 1 and a half hrs arnd town to find a gift for the boy but it's so hard to choose! i ended up going home empty handed :( anyway, this year, my christmas week's pretty packed. 22nd's picnic with the girls. 24th's work in the morn then dinner over at shane's with his family and christmas party @ berjaya hotel with esther tan and clique. 25th, christmas at shane's with his entire chinese side of the family and some family friends. 26th, christmas over at shane's godma's place with the indian side of his family. and all the other days that i haven't got anything on, i'll be working for the fund that will go into the furnishing of my room. everthing, self-paid. 700-800 bucks, gees. and after that, i wanna work for a TV for my room and then finally my long awaited ipod touch. it's prolly gonna take me another 3 months of work before i get everything that i want. my bank's gonna be wiped out dry. but at least i'll be proud to say that i used my own cash to purchase all the stuff i need/want (:
let's hope this is a start. and an end to all the shit. uhmm...thank you, Lord? :)
I AM SO PISSED. EVERYTHING IS TURNING INTO ANGER. ALL THE HURT, DISAPPOINTMENT, ALL THE SHIT. GET A GRIP. GET A GRIP. I NEED TO GET A GRIP. OMG, KILL MYSELF ALREADY!!! FUCK EVERYTHING. EVERY FUCKING THING. I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO STOP. I'M TIRED. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. GOD, YOU HEAR ME RIGHT? CAN YOU JUST MAKE EVERYTHING STOP? IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU WHN I TALK TO YOU, I NEED EVERYTHING TO STOP HURTING. STOP FEELING SO FUCKED UP. I NEED TO GO. TAKE ME PLEASEEEE. CAUSE THE ONLY THING THAT'S STOPPING ME FROM KILLING MYSELF IS CAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU AND THAT SUICIDE WILL ONLY TAKE ME TO HELL. GODDD, SAVE ME ALL THE PAIN. REALLY, SAVE ME, TAKE ME. I WANNA MEET YOU.
i just want to run to mom, cry and tell her everything. I'm so scared. I'm terrified. I just want someone who can listen, hold my hand and be with me through it all. Someone who can wipe away my tears, take away all my fears and heal the hurt.
Bruno Mars – Grenade Lyrics
Easy come Easy go
That’s just how you live oh
Take take take it all
But you never give,
Should of known you were trouble
From the first kiss had your eyes wide open,
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked cause what you don’t understand, is id catch a grenade for ya.
Throw my hand on the blade for ya,
Id jump in front of a train for ya.
You know I’d do anything for ya.
See I would go through all this pain take a bullet straight through my brain.
Yes I would die for ya baby, but you won’t do the same.
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I’m am numb tell the devil I said hey when you get back to where you’re from.
Bad women bad women
That’s just what you are yeah
You smile in my face than rip the breaks out my car.
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash, you tossed it in the trash yes you did. To give me all your fucking love is all I ever asked but what you don’t understand is id catch a grenade for ya.
Throw my hand on the blade for ya, Id jump in front of a train for ya. You know I’d do anything for ya. Listen babe I would go through all this pain take a bullet straight through my brain. Yes I would die for ya baby. But you won’t do the same. If my body was on fire ooh you would watch me burn down in flames. You said you loved me you’re a liar cause you never ever ever did baby…
i'm at edward's place now together with a few of the classmates, working on our assignment. i think i'm done already. heh. but i don't want to rub it in for them cause i don't think they're near completing and submission's tomorrow. anyway, things are like so...messy right now. why's it so hard to want to get things to work out? with every argument, you just slip even further our of grasp. i thought yesterday was a start, then we keep going back to square one :( and i know it's kinda my fault but if i keep mum about it then things will just eventually get to me right, so i'm just saying how i feeeeel. like..i don't want to sweep things under the rug cause it'll just become a mountain of problems in the end. and if all's clear, then at least i know and things are clear between us right? if i overreacted, then yes, it's my fault. but it's easy to jump to conclusions with all i found out about. this unsettling feeling just keeps coming back. i feel like having gelare ice cream to drown my sorrows with. actually, i feel like asking you out. but i won't. cause i don't wanna bug you. that's the whole stupid thing about this, i can't be like last time where i can ask you out wherever, whenever and not have to worry about it being annoying to you. SIGH. "don't sigh, everytime you do, another angel dies" i probably have killed half the angels in heaven by sighing already :(
i want so much to call you, text you, tell you how much i miss you, but i'm afraid you'd just find me annoying again. y'know...what with wanting your own space. it's so difficult for me to get through everything on my own. i wish the tables were turned. i wish you're the one facing all the stress and hurt just so you'd know how it feels like to be me. the worse part of everything is knowing i'm gonna get hurt holding on, but i can't bring myself to let go. i mean yesterday i tried. which just ended up real bad, i almost didn't live to see today. i wish everything was like it was before. nothing makes sense. how can someone who says he loves you so deeply, suddenly tell you he doesn't love you that much overnight, and that you don't mean all that to him anymore? and the only logical explanations i can find are that one, you never really did to start with or two, there's someone else involved. & last night, about the phone, i knew you were lying, i'm using the same phone as you, so i know. i just chose not to ask any further cause if you'd wanted to tell me the truth, you would have. it's probably the 4th or 5th time i'm saying this, but i just want you to be honest with me and tell me what you need to tell me. cause i keep wondering what's going on and it sucks having to wake up and go to sleep feeling miserable. sometimes, i almost wish i really did do what i almost did yesterday then everything will just stop. no more pain, no more stress, no more heartache. i just really want things to be okay again. but it's so hard when i'm the only one who wants this.
i know you don't want to talk about it. but it's hard for me to even not think about it cause you're the one doing it to me. i'm sorry.
I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO BE OKAY. PLEASE.
i finally found out what it's really like to feel genuinely lost and confused.
i'm so afraid. i still cry when nobody's looking. i still feel like breaking down behind all the walls and lies i build up around people. i still can't sleep at night. i still can't get enough sleep. i still don't understand what triggered you to do what you did. i am so afraid. and i can't deny that i miss you, but i'm afraid to open up to you again. i am really really afraid.
quit crying your eyes out.
- Baby Come On, Plus 44.
i would never imagined you'd just...leave me to deal with everything like that. you say you're here, but you're only here cause you have to be, not cause you want to. & you're not really here to start with. i don't know what triggered you. i did nothing. you said it yourself. i really don't deserve this. i am broken beyond repair, i've never felt this devastated before. how can anyone who claims he loves you, just put you through more shit then you're already in? oh, that's right. you just suddenly lost half your feelings for me. after 13 months, and all that we've been through, and what we're going through now. it just suddenly dawned upon you last night that you're done? even if you need space, time, we could've talked. i did nothing shane. there was no need to give me the cold shoulder, or talk to me like i did something wrong. a time out at this point of time? i need you the most here, more than anyone else on this planet. you were supposed to go through this with me, give me support, you were my pillar of strength shane. i was breaking down and you dropped a bombshell on me. i'm completely broken. i don't know how i can handle anymore shit. i'm serious. i'm confused. lost. i don't know what to do, what to say. what i want. and it's so easy for you, to just suddenly, out of nowhere, ignore me like that, tell me shit like this at this point of time. it's not whether after everything's settled or not. but the fact that, you're staying only cause you have to, cause of the situation we're in, you're obliged. you're so ready to pack your bags and leave me alone to fend for myself like that. it isn't cool shane. you've been an asshole to alot of the girls before me. but i thought, i mean, i believed that i was different. i believed your sweet talks. believed that you changed. believed that a player like you would actually give up the game. you told me you wouldn't leave me with this just like that, you said we'd go through this together. the whole day yesterday, you told me don't worry, you're here. at suddenly at night, you just grow cold, you wanna be alone, you don't text me, don't talk to me online, don't answer my calls, don't wanna meet me to talk. and it's as if i did something wrong but i did nothing shane. why are you doing this? everybody's telling me its stupid that i'm still with you. everybody's telling me to just get a grip and do what's right. but it's hard to think with my heart this broken, it's hard to hate you. everybody's here for me. but i need you. and i know i can't need you anymore cause you're just not gonna be there for me. you walked out on me when i needed you most. you said you were gonna be here the whole time. and all of a sudden this. i've practically cried my eyes out dry the whole of last night and today. i broke down shane, and i did nothing to you. there is only so much that a person can take. the last time i asked you, you said you wouldn't do what you did and hurt me like the first time round, remember the night before hillary's birthday? but this is worse. i'd rather you physically abuse me then put me through this like that. i don't know what else to say but i'm am utterly broken, devastated. you said you were gonna be here all along, not be the one that break me. i really trusted you with my heart shane. i really did. well, look who's the fool again huh? i'll agree with everyone, i'm an idiot, i'm stupid and dumb to even still love you right now. it's just stupid, crazy. but you completely broke me last night. coming from you, i thought we could be more than this. i thought wrong. don't tell me you love me, cause you would never leave the one you love in the lurch like that. you will never hurt the one you love to this extent. even the word bastard is an understatement. & it's stupid that i feel bad for calling you that. early in the start, i was so afraid to fall in love again, and you were all "it's not what people think" "it's all about the heart" but now that i see, i think i should have listened to what people thought, and it's not about the heart. cause the heart failed me. you failed me.
what do i do? what do i do???
i'm so lost. i need answers, these decisions are so hard to make. too hard.
I need answers God, please.
i'm the happiest kid on earth cause i've got glee, vampire diaries and jersey shore in my mac thanks to DJ & Hanif!! Oh & Sex and the city 1 too! happy ttm!! my school work can totally wait till later.
Thank you for sticking by me through it all. You're the best thing that's ever happen to me, & what we're facing now, even though it's gonna be hard, but it'll probably be the best thing that'll ever happen to us.
i love you babycakes.
people change, friends come and go.
such is life.
-acidlacedkisses.
Had dinner with the boy on Friday at Sakae Teppanyaki, Changi Airport.
Both of us still prefer the cheaper but tastier teppanyaki at Tampines Mall's basement. The gravy there's to-die-for.
I really like their salad though, really appetizing.
I think I wanna dye my hair second time, i expected it to be lighter, but it's only light in the sun/light like the pic below but i want it to be light in normal lighting too :( shall wait a few washes and see if the colour turns lighter else i'd go buy another box of dye :)
Was soooo full from the meal you can see my tummy bulging already. & i only ate half a bowl of rice! unglam ttm.
I worked for 9 hours yesterday and met baby at his Godma's place. His cousin Audrey cooked up a storm for all of us, steak, soup, corn with this damn awesome mushroom gravy, asparagus was superrrr good. Saturday's my grandma's birthday and mom personally invited Shane to go over for steamboat (Y) in fact, he knew about the whole thing before i did. heh. Anyway, I went to church again today, hopefully, i'll be faithfully going back to church for good. Met Shane after for a swim at Tampines Swimming Complex. It was more of soaking then swimming luh. But we had a good time just talking about the our current situation and stuff like that, we were SO caught up in talking, that the only reason why we finally got out of the pool was cause it started feeling cold.
On a side note, Pastor Nicky said something today which I totally agree, even if God doesn't answer my prayers, I'll still continue to love him and have faith in him. God has his reasons, we just don't see it yet.
Give me grace to see
Beyond this moment here.
To believe that there
Is nothing left to fear.
- The Greatness Of Our God - Hillsongs
I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move.
- Matthew 17:20
sometimes, all we need is faith as small as a mustard seed.
I am (fill in an adverb) in love with my new hair colour. The webcam pics can't show much, i'll take a picture with my camera and upload it soon. Expected it to turn out a lot lighter though, but i'm still quite pleased with my current hair colour, revlon strawberry blonde (Y)!
