By Esther Rachel Lai. - 12/31/2017

2017 has come to an end. 

A lot has happened the past two years, with this year more painful than the last. I step into the new year with a heavy heart having known this year, the truths and extent of events that happened in 2016.

I cannot say I look forward to the new year. The previous years has brought me so much pain and grief, it's hard to expect happiness to come my way - at least not until I'm able to put the past behind me. My biggest regret, is having been too kind to people who really didn't deserve it. They say being kind don't cost a thing, but I tell you, your kindness can destroy your very own being. When I was younger, my dad would tell me not to be too kind, because people can and will take advantage of your kindness. I didn't listen. Now look where it's brought me.

I struggle with the injustice I feel towards myself everyday and frankly speaking, it because of this that it's even harder to let go. It is because of how well I reacted to someone's actions, someone who didn't deserve a single ounce of my kindness, that fuels this hate even more - now having known the things that I know. I hate myself for having tried to be the bigger person, for always trying to see the good in someone else. In 2016, I was told to "stop my empowering woman bullshit" AFTER being done so damn wrong. A wrong is a wrong, don't try to mask it with naivety or being "big hearted" (what the fuck? lol.), given the age, it should be clear exactly what he/she was getting herself into. I cannot believe that out of everything, I was even made to be the bad guy when truly, anyone can see, without a doubt, who the biggest victim actually is. Over the phone when prompted to call back and asked to relay if you were okay, you need to know that that was me. If only I knew the severity of things then. Still, in light of things, I really didn’t need to because if anything, I should have been asking myself if I was okay. Why did I put someone else before myself even in a situation like that? To say that I’ve my kindness is severely taken for granted is an understatment. It’s baffling that you even expect an apology after what you’ve done? Are you out of your fucking mind? It’s okay if you don’t apologise to me but to turn it around and want an apology for what YOU have done, you are fucking deluded. Are you really so high up in the clouds and immature that you can actually flip the tables like that? It boggles my mind to see how anyone can turn things around like that. All I can say is that some people really have no morals.

I understand that there is more than one person to blame but there is a whole lot more that can't be seen from the outside and since they don't, they have no right to speak of it. It is appalling to know that I've to bear the consequences of everything that was never my doing to start with, but I do so because of what I have. Having gone through all that I have done, in 2016, I thought to myself, things couldn't get any worse, things can only go upwards from now. Then came 2017 and I was proved incredibly wrong. 2017 only amplified the injustice I felt and the hate that I was trying to let go, multiplied a thousand folds. It aches my heart so much to even be writing about the past year that my hands are trembling even as I type.

I do not speak of everything in it's entirety, simply because of what I'm trying to protect. But just because I don't speak, doesn't mean I've to be taken for a fool. The things I battled with this year, the thoughts, the will to live, I cannot even begin to tell you the extent of intangible damage that has been done. I've been told countless times, to let it go but it's a lot easier said than done and I won't try to play an all-righteous saint, I'll tell you straight up, if I could, I'd have exacted revenge in more ways than one. The only thing stopping me would be the very thing I try so fervently to protect - at the cost of my own being.

I know this year, I haven't been updating much about my personal life, I know it's mostly just ads but that's because I've tried writing again but every time I do, it just turns into a post filled with anger and hate, one too many times I couldn't hit publish because of the contents of the post. There is a lot, a whole lot, I'd like to say - especially to that one person. But I also know, that although I presently still feel everything very deeply, it is pointless because it is already part of the past and I regret not having said anything at that point of time. But if you're reading this, know that I cannot un-hate you and as much as I'd like to deny it and try to be a saint (because that's how people on social media like to be), I very much wish the worst for you, in fact, I literally murder you in my head every other day. I've never felt so much hate for a person before but I hope karma gets you and I hope it gets you fucking hard. Please know that when karma does finally hit you, I will be here, laughing at your misery because you fucking deserve it.

And to my readers/followers, I'm sorry if I'm not the goody-two-shoes, perfect mom and inspiration you'd like me to be but I am human and I have feelings too. Feelings which I have suppressed for way too long, it legit eats me up inside. This is me and I won't apologise for being real.

Moving forward, 2018 is a new year. And a New Year only brings about new beginnings. We're finally moving into our new home as a family - very aptly, on the 1st of January (i.e. tomorrow). With every storm comes a rainbow and the silver lining through all of this is that we've learnt incredibly hard lessons from these two years but it is because of this that I and things are stronger than before. So I guess, in that sense, we also have to be thankful for the storms in our lives cause it's what builds us.

I'm also incredibly thankful for the friends who have helped me through the past two years, for being my strength and comfort when I needed it the most. For being the light in my darkest hours. From accompanying me in the wee hours just to hear me rant and cry, right down to even planning a getaway for me. Every little thing that you guys have done, please know that it matters a lot to me and I am thankful beyond words. You guys know who you are.

I hope I'll be able to completely bounce back and get back to blogging regularly again, but until then, please wish the best for me. When we've settled into our new home (which i love so so so very much), I'll try to do a home tour or something on this space. I do not wish for much in the coming year or years ahead, I only wish for the family I have to always be a loving and happy haven for the 4 of us.

And with that,

Goodbye and fuck you, 2017.

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