19 & Married.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015


I never expected married life to be so tedious. I don't know what I expected at the age of 19 but I definitely didn't picture marriage to be as difficult as this!




How We First Met

People who knew us both individually before we got together would also know that we came from the same secondary school. Unfortunately, we weren't high school sweethearts. In fact, the story of how we got to know each other would sound more absurd than anything. I joined the school's netball team at 13, a freshmen in the school and got to know a couple of girls who later became my best friends in the first year of my secondary education despite us coming from different classes/streams. He also happened to be in the school's soccer team and got to know this guy who's a year our senior and also, later become his best pal in his first year of high school.

If you haven't guessed it by now, one of those girls that became my best friend was also Shane's then-girlfriend and his best pal that he got to know from the soccer team, happened to be my then-boyfriend. Although, I wouldn't go as far as to call them our ex girlfriend/boyfriend because we were only 13 and it was merely innocent puppy love at that age. 

To summarise, I got to know Shane cause he was my girlfriend's boyfriend and I was his best friend's girlfriend. Things didn't work out between us and our other halves but we never once thought of getting together - honest. We never had the hots for each other. Heck, the kid was wayyyyy shorter than me back then! HAHAHAHA!!!

Shane was in the Normal Academic stream & I in the express stream so throughout our remaining years in secondary school, our circle of friends changed overtime and we hardly interacted with each other. While I was busying myself with exams and O'levels, Shane was quite the total opposite. He was, if I may put it, one of those playful boys who couldn't care much about studying - a rebel you could say. Mostly, he got himself into trouble, breaking the rules together with his like-minded peers.

Characteristically, we were the north and south poles, total opposites. Our paths never crossed again after our first year in high school - we became merely hi-bye friends, caught up in our different worlds.

How It All Began

Back in secondary school, if someone came up to us and told us we'd end up dating each other we wouldn't believe a world that someone said - much less expect to be married to each other!

It all started with Facebook. Yes, you heard me - Facebook.
In 2009, Facebook was all the rage, everyone was more active than ever on Facebook and I happened to stumble upon one of his status updates (below):
So I innocently "liked" it because, what's not to like about someone trying his best to quit smoking right? I don't know what happened after I "liked" his status but apparently he started browsing through my profile and decided to chat me up on Facebook's messenger. MSN was still alive then (although almost dying out) and we took our conversations there. 

Afterwhich, I started browsing through HIS Facebook profile and well...I'm mortified to say this but I was prettayyyy attracted to this seemingly bad boy who also happens to be in a drummer in a band (plus points cause I was into drums at that time).
Eh, but honestly, quite cool right? hahahaha, just TRY looking from the eyes of a 17 year old?

P.S. I know you're smiling to yourself reading this post Shane, don't let your head swell ok! hahaha!

Not to mention, this bad boy had a very very very glib tongue. He knew all the right words to say, I fell head over heels for this sweet talker faster than I'd have liked. 

To cut the long story short, after about two months of courtship (apparently I triumphed over another girl that he was "considering". TSK. *rolls eyes*), we officially got together as a couple - completely mismatched. 
Btw Shane, Kylie says you look much better now, with short hair. I couldn't agree more. hahaha.

& of course, it came as a shock to all our friends who knew us from secondary school. (Trust me, it was weird for us just as much as it was for you guys.) & weirder when we, on a couple of occasions bumped into his then-bestfriend (aka my ex-boyfriend), things really couldn't have been more awkward. For about 6 months of our relationship, we were always telling each other "I can't believe I'm with Shane/Esther, THAT girl/boy from secondary school, so-and-so's ex." heh.

Rollercoaster Ride

Our relationship was a roller coaster ride from the start. Shane would constantly take me up to cloud nine then drop me down to the pits of hell in a split second. Our relationship status on Facebook changed from "in a relationship" to "single" and back faster than Miley Cyrus could twerk. My past relationships were usually quite stable and I definitely wasn't used to this hot and cold game that Shane was constantly playing (the downs of being with a bad boy I guess? Actually we all know there are more cons than pros when it comes to dating a bad boy.) but for some reason, I was really (stupidly) hung up on this guy. He loved me like no other but he's also hurt me like no other - possibly because I loved him too much for my own good. Our relationship thankfully stabilised after months and months of me thinking if this player would give up the game for love - and he did, kind of.

Despite his past history with a never-ending string of girls, I always knew that he really loved me. This is going to sound extremely cheesy but the love we shared felt really different and special, we just couldn't do without each other no matter how bad our fights would get. We made it past the 1 year mark, quite an achievement for us considering he initially wanted a break up just 1 week into the relationship and then every 2-3 weeks after. hahaha. But just over a month after our anniversary, we found out I was pregnant. Life became very different for us since then. We had to put aside our childish ways and we were forced to grow up faster than our peers. Young, reckless love became a lifetime commitment and we soon found out that married life isn't like how the movies portray it to be.


Boyfriend To Husband

Reality hit me and I grew and matured according to our situation quicker than he did. While I was going to school pregnant, determined to finish up my diploma, Shane on the other hand took his own sweet time to grow. When he started dating me, my parents weren't too pleased and I could understand why - this boy was covered in tattoos, at 17, he was smoking and most of all, he discontinued his studies. 

I guess I can safely say that I was the girl who turned his life around? Of course, with a lot of sacrifice. Much to his mother's delight though, I managed to convince him to go back to study when we were a few months into our relationship - and he did. But he would constantly skip classes, it didn't matter much to me then, I would still encourage him to go to school but it wouldn't send me into a rage or anything. When we got married however, he was still skipping classes and it affected me a lot. I would end up crying, even in school, whenever he didn't want to get out of bed for school no matter how much I begged and screamed. A good friend once asked why I was so emotional and I asked him this - "If you're carrying this guy's child, and this person's the one you're gonna be stuck with for the rest of your life, the father of your child, the supposed man of the family yet he couldn't even get out of bed for school and you're thinking to yourself, this is the man you're gonna have to depend on for the rest of your life. Wouldn't you feel desperately helpless?"

But this was my fate. Though desperate for a change in my husband, I never gave up on the hope that he would. It was very very rough for me then to feel so alone and my Twitter account reflected a very different side of our relationship, a stark contrast from the happy, loving relationship our Facebook accounts depicted. Twitter was my ranting ground, I knew how unhealthy it was to be airing our dirty laundry for my social media followers to see but I had nothing else to turn to. Ranting on twitter was my only way of letting off steam. That's also why my account was privatised until only recently. & it's not like he changed overnight, it was a long and tedious wait on my part - it took years. 

Kylie's Birth 

You could say that I was hoping for a miracle. We were both thrilled to have Kylie in our lives and although Shane wasn't perfect, he did try his best to change. But old habits die hard. I was looking forward to a life of bliss, a happy family every girl dreams of. Instead, my first couple of years of marriage was often filled with nights of tears.

We moved into my in-law's place a couple of weeks before Kylie's birth and when Kylie was born, I found myself with new responsibilities, a new role as a mother, new environment, new home, new family to call my own. It was all very overwhelming and it didn't help that Shane hadn't grown out of his old ways. While my life revolved around Kylie, his life revolved around himself. He would go to school, come home get changed and head to the gym, come back, wash up, have dinner, then go down to "slack" with his friend till late. I felt like I was coping with everything on my own and nothing I say could seem to get through to him. I'd used up all my resources, said all I had to say, nothing helped. They say boys tend to mature at a later age, I had firsthand experience on that and it definitely felt like crap.

Post-natal depression

Looking back, I think I developed post-natal depression even though I didn't know it back then and it lasted for a very unhealthy period of time - 2 years thereabout? Friends who knew me from way back would know that I've always been the bubbly, happy-go-lucky girl who's always smiling but that personality's changed ever since Kylie's birth. I tend to get angry, frustrated and upset really easily - it's only until the end of last year that I decided I needed to get a grip on my emotions. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. It got so bad that at one point, I had suicidal thoughts every night before bedtime. I was thinking of slitting my wrists and bleeding to death in the toilet or just jumping out of the window every other night. Shane & I were constantly fighting & he'd always leave the house in the wee hours to cool off while I cried myself to sleep. Kylie had always been my strength and motivation to carry on. I remember when Kylie was younger, a few times she saw me crying and although she couldn't speak yet, she did the most precious thing ever - she hugged me. I knew I needed help, in the later stages I even tweeted that I needed to see a psychiatrist, I was mentally wrecked. Being a mother was pure joy but being married was hell for me. I felt trapped. Thankful for my faith, I also found strength in prayer. As silly as it may sound to some, praying helped get me through the most difficult nights.

There even came a point when friends would ask if I ever regretted having Kylie and I would answer "No. Never. But I regret marrying Shane". It wasn't that I didn't love him. It was that I loved him too much but he didn't love me enough to step up to the role of a husband and a father. Then again, he was only nineteen. 

Temptation

People ask if we were ever tempted by others. After all, we got married so young. Honestly, we have never cheated on each other but we've definitely have had thoughts of what it would be like with someone else. Shane had always been a casanova, there were times when he'd strike up chats with girls but it wasn't like he was out to cheat or anything, I think it was more of wanting to have a "taste" , like Eve and the forbidden fruit, but he knew what he had back home was gold. At nineteen, most guys are still dating girl after girl, relishing the thrill of the chase and there he was - married. I was hurt, definitely. One time, so hurt I actually even pushed and pinned him against the wall in a flurry of anger when I found out about this girl he'd been staying up several nights to talk to, I think he got a bit taken aback then. But it wasn't like they were exchanging flirtatious messages or anything - She knew he was married and I guess he knew he couldn't do much either. It didn't help that I was always home late because of my internship. But I found it in my heart to forgive him because it's not like he'd cheated on me - he'd actually even told her that she wasn't his cup of tea. I guess he just wanted someone to talk to but it hurt a lot to know he'd rather talk to a girl he'd just met rather than his wife.

But it's not like I'm all that innocent either. When I entered the working world, Shane was still studying, this time for his diploma. I got to see how many guys out there that are so much more capable and stable. I often wondered what if I could leave Shane for someone better, someone who'd be better able to support a family. There were times when guys would show interest but even though the scenes played out in my head and I was technically, cheating in my head, I would always lay down my cards and make it known early that I'm married. It wasn't so much because I was proud that I was happily married - I wasn't. It was more like I was trying to protect my marriage, I knew if I didn't allow temptation then I wouldn't get tempted. If I kept mum, and the guys made their advances, I knew that the chances of me cheating were very high given the circumstances back at home but I didn't want to be cheat and I knew how making it known that I was married would also deter the guys from further making any moves.

Our marriage wasn't always as smooth sailing as it is now, we've grown and been through a lot as a couple and that's what strengthened us and our marriage to the point it is today. 

National Service

Truth be told, I was banking on national service to change Shane. He needed a wake up call & I believed that national service was it. I was holding on to this hope, all this while. If the army couldn't change him to be a better man, I didn't know what I would do. But It was my only hope, the last resort. While most of the recruits' girlfriends were saddened and in tears to bid farewell to their boyfriends, I couldn't be more relieved that the day I was waiting for had finally arrived. Before he enlisted, Shane was always hooked on his computer games, and he was out every other weeknight playing poker. Of course, as a wife it upset me a lot that he'd much rather spend his time on things that wouldn't reciprocate his love than on his family, his daughter. I always told him that when he's in the army, what he'll be missing won't be his games but the time with his family but that too fell on deaf ears. I could only wait for it to happen, for him to realise it on his own.

& he did.


By divine intervention, my prayers were finally answered. Shane finally came to his senses and the military certainly changed his mindset from that of a young boy to a family man. It taught him the importance of responsibility which reflected in his lifestyle back at home as well. He was no longer waking up at 3pm, he was helping around the house more and he devoted his weekends to his family. Our marriage finally saw light. 

Being constantly apart also made us cherish each other's presence more. We had really dark days as couple, from make ups and break ups, to me being pregnant, considering abortion, having to cope with our new lives as parents, it really wasn't easy. During the start, I always felt like a single mother, it affected me so much I would even tend to tear up during job interviews when I tell future employers that I've a kid. & to finally have my other half on the same page as me, running the same race towards the same goals, it's an indescribable feeling of joy and relief that get me all teary-eyed.

Getting married young, being a young mother, it isn't as easy as it looks. You can't live on love and fresh air alone. I was lucky enough to have my man snap out of it and step up to the game. Many others I know aren't so fortunate. I'm glad I didn't give up on my husband when times were bad. But I don't know what would become of me if he didn't change for the better either. It all seems like a fairytale right now, our lives, the happy family we have. But nothing good ever comes easy. After three lengthy blogposts about my life as a young mother, I hope young girls out there would realise that it isn't easy to sustain a marriage and raise a kid. Our life isn't a fairytale and it's nothing to be envious about. I started out thinking marriage would be like a fairytale but the old folks are right, marriage is tough work but you don't give up on things you love. It's always better to be stable and prepared before starting a family, although of course it doesn't guarantee a successful marriage but it's always easier that way. Shane & I still have a long way to go, we've a lifetime of challenges to face together but I know that we will overcome those obstacles no matter what because of what we've been through that's strengthened us and helped us grow as a couple. I know I'll never find someone else who'd go through that much with me and love me like he does despite my shortcomings. 
Marriage is a marathon not a sprint. It takes two to make a marriage work and although it can be daunting at times, it's definitely worth the lifetime with the one you love.

63 comments:

  1. Your story is so inspiring, the things you struggled only by yourself, your faith, and your patient in the ways you faced that dark situation make me keep believing that one day, i'll found my happily desire.

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    1. I'm sure you will! Thank you for taking the time to read :)

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  2. The choices you make will follow with you for the rest of your life. All the best in both your future endeavours!

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    1. Yupp. Thank you, i wish you the same as well :)

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  3. I just want you to know you're absolutely amazing I couldve gone down the same road you did but I wouldnt have had your mental strength. I chose abortion. my boyfriend's still pretty hopeless (perhaps even more so than pre-NS shane) but i hope he snaps out of it soon. your story really gives me hope that something good will come out of this relationship bc i really do love him. thank you so much for posting this you have no idea how much these words mean to me

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    1. & you have no idea how much it warms my heart knowing my story has helped you in some little way. Thank you <3

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  4. Thanks for sharing! It's encouraging. =)

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  5. stay strong! :) you can do it! :) I wish both of you all the best in everything that you do! :) and that both of you will have everlasting love and happiness together and that your children will be very happy and healthy! :) ^^

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    1. Thank you for your kind words! It means a lot! :)

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  6. You're such a great lady at your age! I guess most of us can learn a lot from your story, that love may not be so joyous all the time. What we girls are looking for may not be a lover after all, but a man who will accompany us for life :)

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  7. Thank you for sharing! It was inspiring and motivating! It also changed my mindset and brought me to see another light when it comes to me and my boyfriend. Wish you and your family happiness and health in your life ^^

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read! :) I wish you the best as well!

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  8. Thanks thanks for sharing the story of your life . To me, I don't think that every girl is great as you able to cope through those hardship with your Husband. But like those old folks sayings 苦盡甘來

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  9. Like you, I was married a few days shy of my 19th birthday. Last August, we celebrated our 22nd anniversary. Even though we're temporarily apart (wife is studying in Australia while I'm still in Singapore together with my daughters who are all in Poly), we've never felt stronger. There will be some tribulations that you will encounter early into your marriage but should you weather it, you and your husband will come out stronger and wiser. Be the paradox of most teenage marriages and find pride in the fact that you have matured early. Embrace motherhood with open arms and may you be blessed with blissful matrimony.

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  10. You are extremely amazing lady! This is so inspirational!

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  11. Replies
    1. We all do stupid things. This lady was brave enough to share her mistake, the consequences that followed and the way she overcame them. And in doing so, I believe she's helped in her own little way the girls out there who feel helpless... yet this is all you had to say? :/

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  12. You took a leap of faith despite all the odds. Hope and faith was what kept you going and I'm glad to hear that everything fell into place after years of struggle. You and your husband have two adorable kids. Keep going and may God bless your marriage and family!

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  13. "you cant live on love and fresh air alone.", never said it better. Thank you for your story! What an inspiration to everyone--young and old. :)

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  14. Thank you for all the kind words and encouragement everyone, & for taking the time to read my story, i'm humbled.

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  15. Hi Esther,
    I got married at 19 too. I went through the same as you did. My husband who got addicted to gaming almost half of our marriage.
    Through the grace of God, my husband has turn to a God fearing man. Things are not easy for you, the tears shed are not any less painful too. But I am glad to see God's hands are working on your marriage.
    I pray that your marriage will continue to be blessed with the love of God and may both of you glorify Him and testify him.
    I'm married for 8 years, if i were to choose again I will still choose to have such dark and painful marriage in the past as I see how amazing God can restore a marriage.
    I believe God has great purpose for you as you walk through this difficult journey.

    God bless you!

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    1. I know exactly what you mean. It's the past experiences that moulded the relationship you have today. Thank you & I wish you the same as well :)

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  16. you can do this :)
    Strangers rooting for strangers, pretty beautiful innit?

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    1. Yes it is. Thank you! It really heartens me!

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  17. LOL PREGNANT @ early age dont need make so inspiring

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    1. Well aren't I sorry for not giving you an opportunity to gloat at someone else's misery? I guess everyone who stumbles along the way should just give up on life isn't it?

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    2. And the commenter doesn't even have the guts to identify himself/herself. Well well well, says a lot about their character. You go, girl! It's not easy but so glad to hear things worked out for you and your young family. :)

      Oops, commenting as Anonymous too.

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  18. You are very brave! nothing is going to be unsurmountable for you in the future!

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    1. I honestly hope so! I can be such a worrisome, anxious person sometimes! But thank you for your kind words!

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  19. Love your sharing..your courage ...your faith that your God answers prayers. You are impacting lives as such young age. I simply know your years ahead will be victorious. Very heartwarming sharing and be proud of yourself!! I am very proud of you !!!

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    1. Thank you! You have no idea how much that meant to me. I really appreciate it!

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  20. Love your sharing..your courage ...your faith that your God answers prayers. You are impacting lives as such young age. I simply know your years ahead will be victorious. Very heartwarming sharing and be proud of yourself!! I am very proud of you !!!

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  21. i don't think i would have had the courage to make the same decisions as you, the way you stood by your husband pre-NS is admirable! i hope he knows what a strong person you are and cherishes you!

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    1. He does, he definitely does :) He's changed a lot since and we've never been better!

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  22. Your daughter is just so cute ��

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  23. Hi Ester and thanks for sharing your experience with us and it definitely is no easy task to be a mother at such a young age and not even started working yet. I can imagine the financial burden on the 2 of you right now....i am sure the army will change Shane towards becoming a more responsible and mature family man soon than you might expect :) start to enjoy your 2 little princess playful nature and hopefully very soon Shane can also share these wonderful family time together more and more ❗️������������������

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    1. Thank you! It's been 2 years since he first enlisted & things have definitely been better than ever! Shane's a great husband, no less & it sometimes amazes me to see how far we've come.

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  24. It takes lots of courages to come out & share yr pains n struggles openly which you have done openly n i am sure there are women out there who may be going the same ordeal but doesnt hv the courage to speak openly. But definitely you are gonna be an inspirational to all silent sufferers who are crying in the dark hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel. Your sufferings is an eye opener for so many reasons; it made us realise marriage itself is not bed of roses, be truthful to yr marriage vows no matter how bumpy is the ride; be faithful to your better half, patience, endurance and preserverance. Wishing you & Shane a very blissful marriage & stay happy always as Happy family with yr little princess. Always stay strong and hv faith in God. The power of God is with you at all times; thru the activities of mind, senses, breathing and emotions, and is doing all the work using you as a mere instrument -Bhagavad Gita-

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    1. Thank you! I'm really glad to see how the story of my personal life can impact others. It means so much to me to know that :)

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  25. Hey Esther, I saw myself when I was reaching but sadly I gave up on him halfway because I surrendered to his childish ways. You're absolutely brave beyond words to have lasted so Long, may this strength bring you to greater heights in life for you and your family!!!

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    1. Hey love, we all have our breaking points & honestly, I wouldn't know how long more I could have held on so don't beat yourself over it okay? You are just as brave to have gone through what you have!

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  26. 你是一位很棒的女孩,既然选了这条路走。。自己经历过,体验过,知道了这些的滋味而悻然的去接受,且勇敢的走过了这些路。。下来的人生道路,你应该会过得更灿烂与耀眼的。。你已经比其他人没有走过的,或还没走过的活得更自在,更有信心,更勇敢的心态,只要你知道接下来要如何过得更好,更明智!
    祝福你 =)

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  27. To go public about your story must not be easy. But who cares about those who tries to inject negativity in you when you have a happy family to warm your heart? After your relationship have gone through its lowest, there is nothing else that you guys will not be able to overcome. Happy for you to know its all so good now. All the best and keep going strong!

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    1. Thank you so much for the encouragement! I really appreciate your kind words!

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  28. Your story was really inspiring and I was wondering how you got through financially as you were still young? I'm in the position as you were and here I am thinking abortion is the only way out. I hope you can give me advice on this.

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    1. Hi Denise, first of all, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. To answer your question, during that time, either one of us would always be working either part-time or interning so we had a bit of income from there. We also had a lot of hand-me-downs and gifts from relatives which included a tonne of clothes, baby soap, diapers, milk powder, a baby cot, stroller, walker etc so we had a lot of help in that sense. We also stayed with our parents so it saved quite a bit & we received financial aid back then for Kylie's childcare through her school. The road won'e be easy but I believe if I can come out of it stronger than ever, so can you. & if you really think you aren't financially capable, do consider adoption instead? I hope that helps! <3

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  29. Thank you for sharing your story! It is inspiring to every couple out there.

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    1. & thank you for taking the time to read! :)

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  30. Your husband is a lucky guy to have you as his wife .. Your mature thinking and attitude to life at your age is nothing but inspiration to young couples! Wishing you all the best!

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    1. Hi dear, thank you for your kind words :) I'm just as fortunate to have him as my husband!

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  31. Hi Ester!! I'm your Thai fan.Thanks for sharing your experience it is really inspired me.☺

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    1. hello! I'm sorry, I just saw this! But omg, thank you for reading my blog! All the way from Thailand! I'm really honoured! <3

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  32. Hi Esther, thank you for being the voice of young moms like me! I was 18 & married, and I've been through very very similar situations like you. I went to school with my baby bump, struggled between work and family at such a tender age. I had tears in my eyes and felt so much reading through. One thing for sure, I've never regretted having my little sunshine! all the best to you and your beautiful family!

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    1. & thank you for being the strong, wonderful lady you are as well! I believe that we can agree that our experiences as a young mom have moulded us to be better people. Keep doing what you're doing babe! & I wish the best for you and your family as well!

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  33. Hi Esther, thank you for this inspiring story of a teen-young mom. If it's convenient, I would like to know how did you managed to break through the news of your pregnancy to your parents. I'm in a dilemma if I should opt for abortion. Thank you.

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    1. Hi dear, you can read my teen to motherhood posts: http://www.estherachel.com/2015/04/teen-to-motherhood-part-1.html?m=1 i wrote on how i broke the news to our folks and more. Aside to that, please do not hesitate to email me at est-rrr@hotmail.com, i'd be more than willing to talk to you personally if you'd like.

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  34. You're a very courageous woman (: your sharing and your lifestory is an inspiration to all, showing that love can be fulfilling and rewarding especially because of the challenges. You put many others younger than you to shame with your confidence bravery and guts! Best of wishes to you and family

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  35. My respect and kudos to you Esther for what you have been through! Best wishes to you and your family always!

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  36. Good that you managed to go through the rough times. I agree that men should step up and be in charge of the family. I am blessed with a family man and didn't have to go through what you did. Hang on. Honestly if I were to be in your situation. 1. Grab my child 2. Divorce this lousy guy.. at the back of your mind I bet you must be worried if you were to support this lousy guy in future right!

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