best i can.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010
Christmas is round the corner, i've been such a horrible person. My life feels empty & i know, i need God in my life again. I'm heading back to church this Sunday. Had my shift changed just so i can attend church. I don't expect a miracle to happen, I don't expect myself to come out a totally new and changed person in an instant. Everything takes time, right now, all I want is God in my life again, nothing more. It's all i can ask for, all my heart desires. Being so distant from the Lord almighty makes me feel really empty deep inside. I can't quite put a finger to why i feel this void in my heart and i don't expect anyone to understand. All i know is that i really need God. 18 years, growing up as a christian & I have never felt such a strong need/desire for God, until recently. Maybe it's cause of the things that's happened recently. Maybe it's everything from the past altogether. I really don't know. I just want to go back to church, back to God again.

It'll probably sound senseless ad stupid to non-believers and stuff but hey, I really don't need anyone to understand or empathize with me. God knows my heart. & that, is more than enough.

That aside, mom cooked up a storm today. Had a really sumptuous dinner with bro, mom & Shane. Dad had his meal early and left for work. I should've taken a picture of the food, just looking at it would make your stomach growl. I'd gladly ditch maintaining my weight for a second go at the food. heh, I've not only grown distant from God, I've grown distant from my family to. I miss joking around with Dad, or simply, staying in the comfort of my room. I'm out 3/4 of the time. I hope things change when I get my room back in Jan/Dec. We get busier as we grow older, we laugh less as we age. & I clearly see that in my Dad. I miss the jovial him. Or maybe it's 'cause I haven't been around much so I don't see Dad as often as i used to. It pains me, knowing I'm the way i am, yet i'm not doing anything to change that. I should stop making excuses just to make myself feel better about it.

This Christmas, I don't want fancy presents and expensive gifts. I just want to be the best that I can to God and to my family. I hope this Christmas, God will touch my life, 'cause i know I can't do it without Him.

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